i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
