Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
