My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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