The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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