i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
