I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
