I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
