One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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