just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How naked do you want me to be?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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