I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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