I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
