She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
