Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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