I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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