Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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