Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
