Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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