everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
