Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
