that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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