You're my little dorito
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
