You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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