My girlfriend figured out who you are.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
