I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
