Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
