I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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