She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
