Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
