make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
