You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
