Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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