i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize