I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
