Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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