Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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