he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
