Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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