I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You can't special order awesome
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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