apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
