I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
