I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
