someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
