I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
