Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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