I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
