Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
