I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
