i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
