What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
