phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
