i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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