I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
