I got chris browned last night
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
