So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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