Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
