HIV tests are more positive than that guy
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
