She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
