Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
